woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
