I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
