Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize