Can Purell be used as lube?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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