Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
