Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
