I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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