quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
