I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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