Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
