i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
