I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
