I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
