hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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