Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just cropdusted the office
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
