I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
