he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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