I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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