Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
