I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize