i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
