Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
