Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
