Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Holy sore nipples Batman
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
