The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
