If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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