Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I did not marry a roomba.
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