I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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