im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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