so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
