I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
