Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
