Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
