I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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