I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
