Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
