You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
