First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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