you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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