I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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