By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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