i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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