I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Oh god it's open bar.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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