I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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