Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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