Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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