got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the day after is always just damage control
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
