Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
