thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
