You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize