And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
