On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
