guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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