I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
