she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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