booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
