a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
