Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
