Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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