You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
